I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
