Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
