I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
