my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
