Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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