even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
