Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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