ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So much rum. So many feels.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
