I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
