I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
my liver is dry heaving
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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