im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
