i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
