Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
