Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
