i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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