No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize