what day is it and did you see me today?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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