Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
