Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
