I only kidnapped one of them. chill
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
