note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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