I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
