we were pretty classy up until the second keg
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
