shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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