Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
