omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
