Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
