I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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