the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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