im six kinds of drunk right now
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
