Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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