I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
