Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
