I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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