booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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