a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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