STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's blow job season.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You ruined the universe
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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