So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
