hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
