You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Randomize
