I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
