He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
this just has baby written all over it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
