oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
