I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
