Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
