if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
