his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
