I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Are we still banned from the library?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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