I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
