before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
