i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
