I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
3 2 1 whiskey
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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