He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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