I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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