Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
