I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
