Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
